Knowing changes everything
Neurodivergent musings
Does anyone else feel particularly neurospicy when they’re pre-menstrual? I’ve been having one of those days.
This morning started great. There was this thing on my to-do-list I’ve been putting off for three months and since today was the very last deadline, I did it first thing this morning. It took half an hour, wasn’t nearly as bad as my mind had feared, and I started the day feeling pretty accomplished. Then, tonight I had a PTA meeting. When it was scheduled, I had already had a bad feeling about the date. I knew I was going to be either on my period or pre-menstrual, aka the absolute most emotional but least sociable or energetic time of the month. It was gonna be 50/50 if I made it. And tonight I cancelled the meeting. I said my husband — who was already half asleep on the couch — couldn’t make it home on time from work and I couldn’t come. It was only a half-lie, since his work stress WAS one of the reasons why I didn’t want to go.
So I put off something forever and then did it at the last minute. Big deal. So I cancelled a meeting. That’s just every neurodivergent person’s normal. Why am I telling you this?
Because there’s a difference in knowing.
Before I knew I was neurodivergent, the exact same things would have happened.
BUT the underlying thought process would have been sooo much different.
It would have been all guilt and no grace.
All fear and no understanding.
All I’m not good enough and no I’m built differently.
Of course I still felt like a stupid, incapable, non-adulting imposter for these last three months for not doing that one little stupid task.
BUT there was also always another voice, a background soundtrack of knowing, of letting be, of acceptance and freedom to be who I am.
Of course I feel really bad about cancelling tonight, questioning myself and my capabilities and whether I just always take on too much and accomplish too little.
BUT part of me already knew this was going to be hard. I already gave myself permission to honor my needs. To say no if I needed to. And that’s what I did tonight.
Knowing makes a world of a difference.
See you tomorrow.