My favorite parenting hack
Bedtime struggles with a PDA kid
This post is part 7 of my Every-Day-May-Challenge where I am trying to post on substack for 31 consecutive days, to improve my writing, connect with more people, explore different formats and give life to all the ideas living in my brain. I would love for you to join me, as a reader or maybe even as a participant in this challenge!
My daughter really struggles with transistions. She’s also a PDA kid. (PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or — the one I like better, obviously — Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.) Anything that has a feeling of demand attached to it — be it implicit or explicit — automatically triggers her fight or flight response. This gets amplified when the demand involves sensory stimulation, like having to eat, brush her teeth or get dressed. These demands are a lot more likely to trigger a strong response than something like “please put these books away” (although we’ve had meltdowns over that too).
So, as you can imagine, bedtime is hard for us. The only thing “routine” about it is the struggle to complete the steps. We’ve tried everything, from implementing a strict, timed routine (that failed miserably), to giving up on trying at all and just letting her fall asleep whenever, wherever and everything in between. Anything to make it easier, for her and us. We’ve done the physical activity right before bed, the long wind-down, the hour-long reading session, everything. Nothing really helped. But the one thing that has worked and continues to work (not just with bedtime but in any situation) is to
JUST MAKE IT FUN
Turn it into a game. If your kid is into pretend play like mine, use that. Let them be their favorite character and ask that character to do the task. If your kid likes video games, maybe you can try some ideas from my post on gamifying tasks. Play around with it, figure out what works for you and your child. But I promise you, if you find a way to interact playfully in these moments, it will make a world of a difference.
My daughter has several toothbrushes with different voices and personalities, all played by me. Sometimes we make bedtime tasks a race, against each other or the clock. Sometimes I.AM.THE.BEDTIME.ROBOT, speaking in a monotonous voice, moving weirdly and trying to wrestle her into her pyjamas.
Yes, I feel silly and stupid and I cringe at myself. Yes, it’s hard to get myself to do it. But you know what feels a lot worse and is a lot harder? Dealing with an out-of-control tantrum from a tired and overstimulated 4-year-old because I didn’t want to be cringe.
Do I always manage to do it? No.
Does it always work whenever I manage to do it? Yes.
Do you have any gamifying tricks to help your kids with hard tasks? I would love to hear about them!
See you tomorrow lovely people.
This works for our daughter as well. My husband plays their version of Bluey's "Keepy Uppy" by tossing her around on the bed. She also responds well to him imitating Edna Mode's voice and having "Edna" give her bedtime routine tasks.